How can I get over a break up? Chapter Seven

2.8. Sticking and finding


No matter what kind of loss it faces, the mind always wants to restore the world to you.


When something or someone is gone, it will have the urge to find it.

Recombining the world into what it should look like is how the mind handles it.


Therefore, we will stick to the lost person and have a strong urge to find. When the grief reaches its peak, the thoughts of adhesion and searching will arise. It can make you quite distressed. Attachment to familiar things can make us feel safe and secure in our own world, even if this dependence is unhealthy and even destructive. If someone or something is deprived, we instinctively want to get it back.


This impulse is also strongest when we are most vulnerable. When the loved one dies, people will strongly experience the desire to seek. They will look for the deceased in the crowd or call that person unconsciously. In the process of grief, these behaviors are normal and natural. The mind uses this to temporarily suspend the facts in an attempt to restore things to the original state. For breakups, when people have a desire to find, they often want to talk to their ex.


However, at this time you are in a period of “sticking and searching”, you are too fragile, be careful not to say something that you regret. Remember, this is only a temporary state of mind. If the grief process has reached this cycle, it will be full of desolation. After the loved one dies, people will call the deceased or come to the door of the deceased.


This emotional cycle will come very fierce.


Obviously, if it is a breakup situation and the person is still there, you can still contact the other person. Even so, you shouldn’t contact, because there is no benefit. “Stick and find” is the emotional trough in the process of grief. You probably don’t want to show your most vulnerable side to your ex. In addition, the desire to seek may evolve into secretly stalking, which is not only inappropriate, but also illegal. do not do that. This desire is normal, but impulse is the devil. You know, this strong urge to try to find is just a frustrating and uncomfortable element in the grief process, and it will slowly diminish over time.


In the face of this impulse, the less you compromise, the easier it will be to tide over the difficulties. You don’t want to lose yourself, you want to be strong, and you have self-knowledge, then don’t look back.


These feelings will pass after forbearance. Because you can’t find it, you may be irritable, so try the countermeasures mentioned for “anxiety”. After all, there will be similar upsets: write a diary; write to your ex, but don’t send it out; talk to a friend Chat or go to the movies together; or do meditation, relaxation training: or do some handwork.


Anyway, the urge to search will fade away sooner or later. [After the second cycle, you may feel better, and life seems to be bright. You seem to have a little sense of integration and acceptance, but suddenly you fall into the maelstrom of the second cycle. This is an emotional resurgence, which is normal. The duration of this situation will become shorter and shorter, and the degree will become less and less.]


Samuel Whyte

A psychology enthusiast, interested in movies, painting,psychology, hiking, workout etc.

Speaks Chinese and English.

Currently lives in Shanghai, China.

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