How can I get over a break up? Chapter Three

Because many friends talk about their volatile emotions after falling out of love, I want to share with you how their emotions will change after falling out.


The grief after the breakup does not go in a straight line. It does not happen in stages as we usually think. Grief is actually cyclical.


The first cycle: shock, disbelief; the second cycle is thinking, abandoning, and upset. ; The third cycle is recognition, integration and acceptance.

These cycles are not static, but fluid.


Especially the second cycle.

In the second cycle, you will have these emotions: extreme sadness, constant replays with your ex, confusion and confusion, anger, guilt, anxiety, conflict, and searching. You will come back and forth in these emotions, this is all normal, do not feel panic. In the past preaching, grief is often carried out in stages, so when we find that we have retreated to a stage that we thought we had passed, we would be frustrated and surprised. In fact, grief repeats itself in different cycles.


1. The first cycle: shock and disbelief.

At first you will be shocked and doubtful. You don’t believe that you have lost your intimacy, or you can’t confirm that this is a loss for you. You know your heartache, but you just blindly restrain, suppress, ignore, and deny. Even if separation is good for each other, you still have to face loss. Many rational boys and girls have gradually realized that the other person is not the right person, but they still face the loss of grief. What did they lose?


At least the time, energy, and emotion they put into the relationship is wasted. The initial illusion is also shattered. The identity of your partner no longer belongs to you. It is also inconvenient to contact your mutual friends or family members of your ex. Sometimes the breakup is so sudden that you feel a little numb.


The brain seems to be shielding this matter, because it has not been able to face reality in a short time. Such a state may last for an hour, a day, or several weeks in a row. As a protective mechanism, shock can prevent us from being overwhelmed by emotions. But to get out of the shocking period, admit your pain is more effective than escape from reality.


Maybe you want to comfort yourself, the separation is temporary, and he will come back. You are just deceiving yourself and others. Please be aware of this. You probably won’t reconcile. It’s time to get out of your fantasy. Admit it, you won’t be together anymore. Not now, and never again.


2. The second cycle: Recollection, self-abandonment, upset and distraction.


You may be in shock for a long time after a breakup, just like someone has given you a hard blow, and the world under your feet has also begun to shake. You will feel an incredible pothole in your world, making you feel lost, lonely and powerless. You want to run away, hide, until in the end, although you are no longer shocked, you fall into deep sorrow. You may have the following feelings.

2.1. Extremely sad. The person you love says to you: Let’s break up. Even if you have a hunch, even if you are not doing well, even if you know the problem may not be solved, you will still feel so sad. If there is no sign of breaking up, then you are even more heartbroken. That person was once a part of your life, and if you are separated, there will be painful emotions. You also know that it hurts, but this hot pain still caught you off guard.


It will stir you up and down, but you don’t know where the pain comes from. Severe pain will be staged on the fickle plot, mixed with dizziness, this is the “sorrowful throes.” You feel that you are almost overwhelmed. All kinds of psychological pain and physical symptoms torment you. You don’t want to contact anyone. Life seems to have an unreal and hazy tone. Every day you falter, even ordinary tasks make you feel overwhelmed. All day long, your mind is occupied by such pain.


I know you will be frightened by violent emotions, but this is a normal reaction. You will not lose control or go crazy, you are just in grief. These days are difficult, but the pain will always pass. From one hour to one minute to one second each time. No matter how you change, this is a necessary process. You have to understand that this is temporary, and you won’t be like this forever. Relax~ You will be fine.


Samuel Whyte

A psychology enthusiast, interested in movies, painting,psychology, hiking, workout etc.

Speaks Chinese and English.

Currently lives in Shanghai, China.

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