What is the brutal truth about life after marriage?

Recently, I saw a topic on a website, “what are the truths about life that you only discover after you are 30 years old”. I click in and have a lot of feelings. 

So I have a curiosity. In recent years, I have found that the discussion about gender and marriage is fierce, and the marriage relationship seems to be a kind of general anxiety and common trouble. So, what do people in their 40s think about marriage after more than 10 or even 20 years of marriage? If there is any truth about marriage, what is their deepest feeling? So I interviewed more than 40 married (including divorced) people in their 40s to see what they think.  I finally screened out the 8 most representative answers, which are presented here for your reference. Some of them are really wonderful. They are really good.


1.Male, 41 years old, married for 16 years 

“We have a good relationship, but it’s true that we lost our freedom in marriage. This freedom doesn’t mean that you can do whatever you want, and you can have sex if you want, No. This loss of freedom means that at the bottom of your heart, it’s really hard for you to be your real self, because you will inevitably hurt others if you are your true self. To sum up, it is the society outside, but it is still the society at home. The purpose of marriage is to form a family, but after marriage, you will no longer have a home, and there is no place for your most private things. ”

2.Male, 41 years old, married for 11 years, divorced for 1 year

“When you are alone, you only need to solve your own problems, but when you are married, you have to solve her problems, her parents’ problems, her uncle’s problems, her aunt’s son’s problems.

3. Female, 43, married for 17 years 

“When I got married, I didn’t have a job at that time, and the whole person was very confused. I just thought about getting married and having children, and I thought that would be good. But now I think that marriage is to get some kind of security, just like you are very sleepy and want to sleep, and then find out that you can’t get up when you lie down. You have to lie down all your life. ”

4. Male, 44 years old, married for 16 years

“I don’t believe you can tell me how happy their marriage is. Because between men and women, on the one hand, they need and depend on each other, on the other hand, they repel and fear to be disturbed, which is why marriage is always a difficult problem. ”

5.Female, 46, married for 14 years,

“More than a decade of marriage has taught me that if a person can’t be alone, she will pay a heavy price for it. So, to get married, first of all, you should be able to be on your own; second, you should live with someone who can. We should be able to be independent in economy, ideology and life. It’s not good to take care of yourself and help others at the same time. ”

6.Female, 46 years old, married for 22 years

“Marriage not only gives birth to children, but also gives birth to all sorts of strange things.”

7.Male, 51 years old, married for 31 years

I think marriage is very crowded. It’s like two people sleeping in a single bed. People are all self, and this kind of self will expand and expand continuously. Women want to be coaxed, do not want to listen to men reason; men want to follow their own will, reasoning is also to prove that they are right. Can marriage be good in a situation where there is no understanding of each other at all? ”

8.Male, 54 years old, 29 years old

“Love is like a ball. It is round and rolls at will. The good thing is that it can roll freely, and the bad is that it is unreliable. Marriage is like a square, where you put it, its advantages and disadvantages are fixed. If you don’t want to move, that’s good; if you want to move, it’s bad. ”


Well, the answers above are all the feelings of people who have more than 10 or 20 years of marriage experience, or even 30 years of marriage experience. If you read them carefully, you can also find that their answers are relatively sad and negative. Of course, we should also face up to this negative feeling – because marriage itself contains a lot of negative things. I have to admit that their answers are really good. We can’t always say that marriage is good and happy. We need to look at the bad side of it and find a way to solve it.

Whether it is love or marriage, there is only one purpose – I am happy, you are happy. If one of these two objectives is not achieved, problems will surely arise. However, most of the problems start with “I’m not happy”. You don’t even have yourself, you don’t even have your own world. Isn’t it normal for you to be unhappy? 

Samuel Whyte

A psychology enthusiast, interested in movies, painting,psychology, hiking, workout etc.

Speaks Chinese and English.

Currently lives in Shanghai, China.

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